I write a few words.

An obituary to the heart,

Now an emotionless part!

Dead as the stone

No feelings. No emotions

But for Just a tick-tick,

Reminding me of what was there once.

The flood of tears wiped it all

No trace remaining.

So engulfed in the sorrow is my heart

That it doesn't even lament the loss

It continues to function

Just the way it did

Only now there is a heart no beat

& You start walking beside me

The curves of your face

The twinkle in your eye

Each word you say

& meanings you don't mean

Each smile, each tear you fake

It echoes in my ears

......Like a curse

I try to run away

But you hold on to me

You dint need me .You had said

You dint need me.You had walked away

Then why Still?

Why you cling on to me

& why EVERYDAY I sit & write

Sometimes I walk down the memory lane..

Kabir, a chocolate face with a chocolate heart .I met him when I was still trying to understand the science behind reproduction or in simpler words I was in school. Oh! He was so cute and all I ever wanted from him was the label "that this cutie is my guy". He was 4 years elder to me but I was kind of comfortable with the age gap for the hiccups of generation gap had not hit me till then.

I don't know what it was but something in me really appealed to guys so much so that many followed me everywhere. This sudden attention made me feel chained in my relationship of few months with Kabir and soon for some lousy (very) reason I left him ... but with no regrets for I had some real great expectations and with such fan-following I didn't have to compromise on anything or so I thought.

No sooner had Kabir made an exit another guy named Abhinav entered my life. Well to be exact he had entered before Kabir had made an official quit and was somewhere responsible for Kabir's leaving also. Abhinav was very soft, lovable category guy. The kinds who are devoted to you and want you to mother them all the time. Although being completely opposite to my expectations of a guyfriend, our relationship survived a mammoth 4 years. I'd like to mention here that this young chap had me wanting to be my friend and more since two years until one day I'd said yes to him.

4 years! My God! When I look back I wonder why I didn't call it quits on one of the zillionth times when I felt, "I need to move out". Finaly, when I did take the decision it was solely because our relationship had become "give- give relationship instead of give n take." Moreover I think I was trying to prove a point to the world & myself that I could be faithful to one person inspite of getting too much attention from some really very handsome guys unlike what I had done in the past.

4 years is a long time and it hurt to call quits but.. again, I had no regrets.

"Enough of guys "! I told myself .I want to live my life my way and not according to a long list of "dos "n don'ts", which come with a relationship. But destiny had some other plans for me. While working as a freelance writer for a daily, I met this guy named Uday. A self made man, cassonova, highly dedicated to work and very handsome man. What started of as harmless flirting turned into full blown relationship within 2 months. The attraction was so strong that nothing could stop us-our age difference of ten years, his steady girlfriend of 6 years and above everything my list of expectations from my guy. It was supposed to be a relationship of convenience with no strings attached but soon it became an obsession. Staying without him seemed impossible and kissing him was a difference experience all together-it transcended me into a world I had never known before. And no it was not the ecstasy of a first kiss, for it had taken place ages back without froth or flavour. Time moved quickly and one day I left my job for a better one in another city. My looking for a new job, new city was a conscious decision. I wanted to leave him before he became a fatal addiction.

It was not that the idea of marriage had not crossed our minds but except love /passion nothing stood as a pro for our relationship. Not only was our social equation totally imbalanced but our ideologies and aspirations were all miles apart. For me career was of paramount importance although honestly I had been tempted many a times to forgo my ambitions or atleast compromise a little and as for him he was any day a home bird who couldn't leave home for anything, not even if power and fame were served on a platter. I could see the guilt in his eyes every time his girlfriend called us when we were together. He admitted to me that he hated the fact that he was cheating her but "what do I do. I can't keep myself away from you", was his forever statement.

I looked at him for the last time from the bus window as he waved at me with a tear. He stood at the bus-station till my bus was completely out of sight.

Although we had promised to keep in touch but we both knew that if we did we would never get over each other, a scenario much worse than the current one.

Life is moving on .I'm still looking for a guy who would rise upto my expectations.

Do I regret the coming or going of any of these men from my life .I don't think so! They were all good people but I think something was amiss. I'm still waiting for that special someone to come in my life and complete my love story.

Now, I was in school at that time, I guess in 5^th standard. All of us first cousins lived in the same town and all but me went to the same school. Being a very close-knit family we used to hang out together (much to my chagrin).All my cousins right from size of Jerry to that of He-Man (I related all of them to only and only cartoon characters) sung songs in praise of their school while the chorus consisted of a lucid account of the fact that I was unlucky to be studying in a different, non-achiever school. Although I never felt that I was unlucky, for my school was as good as theirs (I still believe it) but I did not have the courage to fight them which made it all the more worse.

Then one day my very bookish brain (My hobby was studying, Oh! God How boring can one be) came up with a novel idea. Ours was a boarding school where students came from as far as U.S. & South East Asia (all spoilt children of NRIs) with maximum strength being of Thailanders. I had often observed them talking in Thai with each other (even they used to sing songs instead of talking). And looking at them chatting away to glory, bang! I got my idea.

"Theka meka mai loooooooooong", God knows what it means or whether it means anything at all. But a proud me went to my cousins and this above written gibberish was my opening sentence. They looked at me quizzically and I very proudly told them that I had learnt Thai and could teach them also if they would give me "gurudakshina". I was obsessed with mythological serials and their lingo also (ya I know what you are thinking)

Those proud and equally gullible cartoon characters fell into my trap (after all how could I , a non-achiever know anything that they did not) . With a promise of 1 Cadbury Dairy milk chocolate each, I taught them thai translations for these three words. "hello", "how are you" and "Thankyou". What translations I gave them only God knows for I'm confident even they must have forgotten (Good for me). You think it is ordinary then wait till I tell you this-once I got the chocolate I even gave them a thai translation to their name absolutely free (I think I'm good at marketing. What say?) Imagine my cousin shallini was "aabzu gabzu" or something like that.

All in all, in a week's time I had an elated soul, 5-6 Dairy milk chocolates and some gibberish spilled all over a note book which had the title 'English to thai translations.'

I think I finally, truly enjoyed coming from a 'no-good, non achiever' school

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